Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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