you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize