rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
