Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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