I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
