I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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