Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
