made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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