The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
