Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
