Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
