dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
