mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
