i wish my penis had a tongue
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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