And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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