do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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