He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
