Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
