dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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