you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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