You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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