I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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