Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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