Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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