I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
