Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
