Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
me + whiskey = a bad person
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Randomize
