There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
