Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
