We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
