Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
