He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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