I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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