Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
