my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
