It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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