She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
