i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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