And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
