omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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