Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
