so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
