Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
