First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
