I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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