So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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