I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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