You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
