You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
