i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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