my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
