Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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