She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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