man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
