I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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