listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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