I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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