The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
