If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
